Running Around (random free write from a year ago)

I never wanted to pretend that this was going to go anywhere else, but I couldn’t help myself.  When someone offers me kind words, since they are so few and far between I eat them up, craving the sustenance of recognition, of support, of feeling, caring, all of those things that make you feel linked in chains to everyone around you.  But maybe no one is linked, maybe we are all just floating silently and alone, we all have our ways we really feel, but because of how we think we are suppose to act to people, with this fake decency we lose our individual drives, we delude ourselves into thinking that to connect we have to conform.  We have to sit and laugh at the things we don’t find funny, we have to sit and nod to the things we don’t agree with, and use the words we don’t want, and like the people we don’t want.  We always have to put on fake grins, and use polite words.  Even those people who claim they are honest and blunt, are they?  No, in some ways they have a persona too, they think this is how people want to see them, even their feelings are hidden under their icy exteriors, but those are not the people I have problems with.  The People I have problems with are the ones like Allison, the ones that sit there on this throne of politeness and fun, and intellect, who are none of the above, inside they are as judgmental, lame, and stupid as the next person.  You can see it in the hunger of one’s mind, the eclectic words they use, and the vocabulary is essential, how do they describe what they’ve seen to the people around them.  There are ways in which we react that we don’t manifest for fear of judgment, a movie for instance, if it touched you sometimes you can’t say that, so you simplify it, you say oh it was funny, oh it was cool, oh it was thrilling, those may be true, but if you really mean powerful, life-affirming, bad-ass, thrilling, touching, that it pulled at your heart strings, then why the hell don’t you just say it?  I’ll tell you why you are hiding; you are hiding in your own image.  It starts when you are a child, it forms with the people who grow to be your friends, and if you have few friends all your life, then god help you, because you will have only known the way you express things, and if you are only expressing them to yourself well then that audience is the purest and can’t judge you, so you are free to say whatever the fuck you want.  Maybe I’m being unfair, maybe people aren’t really dumb, and I never meant dumb in the academic terms, some of the most ignorant people I know are the ones earning the degrees more often than not statistically of course it’s the ones who are not educating themselves on a daily basis that are dying away.  But I digress, what was this rants purpose really, I can’t really say, but the world is this stage, and we the players, to misquote Shakespeare.  I just want to know when nice became mean, and mean became kindness.  Those fakes, those blunt fakes are some of the nicest people I’ve met, they don’t want to see you, they will tell you, they don’t like something they will tell you, even if you don’t like it.  But those nice masses, those annoying nice people, myself included from time to time, will look you in the eye and lie to your face with a smile, pretending somewhere deep inside, that they are not jerks, but aren’t they jerks?  Yes.  There’s nothing worse than sustained silence broken by a beautiful voice saying beautiful words of how you should spend more time together, how you should do this and this and this, and you come alive, I came alive, I felt like someone wanted me.  Then the next time you speak it has changed yet again, they barely say anything all emotion, all want is gone, and then you sit in that silence and you delude yourself into thinking maybe maybe maybe all the rest of your time.  I will wise up one day I’m sure…