An Apology

Relationships are easier said than done,

And when they end the words that rang so true always seem false,

But not for me,

I meant what I said when I said it

I believed it with all that I was,

And I didn't want to wait for anger to arise to be on horrible times before parting ways,

The forward progression was halted,

I didn't see a way past this,

I would have loved to continue, 

But I felt like I was leading you forward into nothing,

I didn't feel more,

And I didn't want to continue kissing you,

And saying we were happy,

When we were not.

But only certain things change,

labels, kisses, frequency of seeing one another,

But the comfort and concern the laughs,

Those can still prevail through friendship,

I have nothing to charge you with,

Your only fault was loving me too much,

And my crime was letting you down.

I didn't give you the time you needed,

Or the views to share,

You deserved better than what I was giving up,

I did what I did with a heavy heart, because I knew it would devastate you,

And I knew you were strong and I knew you would try to pretend that you could see me and be friends with me, too soon, 

And I know it pains you to have to do so.

I didn't want to abandon you,

After all that talking, caring, comforting,

How could I shut it off,

And I stand by my promises to be there for you,

You are trying to search for a way to blame yourself,

Don't, you did nothing wrong, even anger, or your hurt, it didn't drive me away,

We were together long enough for me to understand these emotional tornadoes,

I know its not fair

And I didn't want to be one of those people that shows it as not being fair

I am hurting too,

And the appearance of calm, and content that I wear on my face is too be strong for you,

I have no doubt I made the right decision,

and I will offer myself up to the very end point of friendship, 

But I cannot cross back into that plane of a relationship,

What would either of us gain from me trying to alleviate my loneliness,

I would still feel the same,

And I tried, dammit, I tried, and there was some progression but then it halted,

I am not a bad person,

I was just the wrong person,

But not even that, because that would mean admitting a regret,

And I do not regret the time I had with you,

To call you my girlfriend,

To tell you I loved you,

And because I failed you, it doesn't mean that it negates what happened,

Thank you so much, for becoming one of the important people in my life,

And if you will i would like to keep you as one, 

A trusted one in close proximity,

And I hope that we can help eachother,

When the tears settle, and the confusion subsides,

We will be okay,

You, will be okay.

I'm so sorry.

Old So-And-So

blankly I stare into the room,

dark brooding and full of doom,

and I shrug at what I see inside

the way they mope like someone died,

when the world around them is full of light

they stand on the defensive, it's fight or flight

ready for the worst to offend their sensibilities

like men shouting hoarsely of booze and titties

they, on the inside, are like a mortified housewife

her ears appalled by their manners strife

They say the world has gone to pot,

And whether this is true or not

its no excuse to sit so sadly

And steam so madly,

for what's past is past.

blankly I stare into this room

dark, brooding, and full of doom

and I want to set it on fire

turn it into a fanciful pyre

where troubles and worries come for reduction,

where if you come in with them you leave with nothin'

But the hopes of a tomorrow,

Where you're free of such sorrow

That you found in that shadowed box,

Where the happy and free constantly knocks,

Urging the hopeless into the sun,

To forget all their shit, and have some fun.

They always say it like it or not,

That the world has gone to pot,

and while they madly,

sit sadly,

the past is past.

blankly I stare into the room,

dark, brooding, and full of doom

And my mind wonders aloud,

If some hope could be allowed

Even if it should be force fed,

to save the dying from the dead,

Hope would certainly serve them right,

But they lock themselves up so good and tight,

Don't they see that what keeps them there,

What keeps in their minds, sorrow everywhere,

Is the thoughts they won't let go,

Because of what someone said, old so-and-so.

Dreaming of an Equilibrium - short story (kind of)

He stood by as the world passed him.  It wasn’t that he couldn’t move, it was that he  chose not to.  No one understood what Dillon really wanted out of life, but it wasn’t their fault that he never let it on.  He liked the simplicity of standing still, of dreaming in place, and he tried his best to stay positive in his immobile state.

Once upon a time he had momentum a real energy to his life, a forward motion if you will pressing up the small of his back to go where dared not, and his toes dug deeply into the earth leaving a trail of futile resistance.  

On a particular day in September he read it in in the headlines first, and saw the evidence all around him.  DESPAIR.  He had tried so hard to ignore it, the pending doom, the dread of a revolving aging planet.  It wasn’t the end of the world, but the world wanted it to be the end.  He saw the suicidal tendencies of society dragging at him, anchoring him in deeper to his frozen pedestal.  He didn’t like it, at one time somewhere in his past he had the satisfaction of being a wallflower on the outside, doing nothing but observing, but now it seems this whole planet earth had stopped spinning.  It’s revolutions continued, but its inhabitants chose to withdrawal and ignore everything around them.  

The skies were blue, the air was gentle, and yet no one noticed, it may have been overcast, foggy, and cold as everyone huddled in a mass of recluse.  Where he was once the only hermit, now hermits sprouted up everywhere.  The headlines didn’t help, the media called for people to live, but showed and told story after story of why they shouldn’t.  There was so much good to experience they claimed, but in a shower of caution and fear they bombarded them mostly with chaos, death, brooding, and lies.  

Dillon walked deliberately to his car, each step weighted down with foreboding, and he looked about him.  His suburbia home a clone of all the others, he a clone of all the others.  Or, were they a clone of him.  He felt lost in the common mindset, he needed a new start.

Perhaps he was a chain in a pattern, perchance he could break it if he just switched to what was once their view.  Maybe if he could switch his pessimism for optimism, maybe then he could achieve something wonderful.  Individuality.  Maybe then a harmony would return and he could then return to his original comatose state, maybe, just maybe.

Making the Swan Sing

I hear the sound of desperation depart your lips and yet I stand by idly
You reach a hand out for my help but I am frozen, a blanket of anxiety plagues my body
I ache and twist, trying to manipulate my unmanageable appendages
But to no avail,
As you drown, I can only watch helplessly, and as the world falls on top of you,
I turn away and walk freely.
Free of the chaos I am free to breathe, to move, to react, my blood rushes freely,
And my destiny collides with the clouds.
Somewhere under there you are broken, and crying, desperate and depressed,
Falsely believing angels on high will lift you forward,
Not realizing the decomposition that will consume your flesh,
But I can feel it, as I move to sit, to forget, as I move to remove myself from your ridicule
And my body returns to its original form, fragile and immobile,
I want to be comatose, but I realize what I did then,
I am the cause of my own paralysis, I lifted you up to the supports,
But I never reinforced the beams,
And there,
Way down there,
Beneath your despair, and desperation, I can feel it,
The crushing defeat, the hopelessness, and I ache to mend my mistakes,
Healing you would be my greatest triumph, but I have never been one to aim for simple victory
To win simply for the sake of winning,
To grasp the achievement of achievement,
Such trivial things I do not endure,
But to save a life, even if I am the cause of the misery,
Yes, i'll save a life.