Contradictory Fears of Hopefullness

in the beginning it was easier to let the words come out so that I could see you smile
to feel the pain of seeing you happy was something that I could endure
but in truth as each days goes on I don't know if I'm so sure
for when once it was easy now I found my own self-deception a curse
when once I sought to give you light I find myself in a darkness I birth
to say farewell now would be a travesty against the grains of time
for what time was spent in this place of peaceful contemplation
and where can I begin to feel the warmth of my own lies
in a secret place that truly will satisfy

on the winds of a long off winter i can still feel the presence of yourself
guiding me into my own lie and giving me back what i originally gave
i do not hate this feeling but it frightens me so for what i thought were simple promises
that i told to make you smile i find myself believing them
but i already knew the original intent
in a sense my self-deception is coming to fruition and i am landing in a grave of roses
a place beautiful but cold,
familiar and terrifying wrapped up in the same placid lie that set me apart in the first place
and in this treasure seeking endeavor i am but alone in my head when i am alone in my body
trying to find excuses to not destroy your world
but finding no good reason not to be who i am with who you are

in the end it was harder to keep it all inside and to burst forth from the seems and fearing to see your tears
i am not a fool or a villian but a foolhardy lover
who placates himself with hopes for a different tomorrow
when it all feels quite the same as it did yesterday.