One
I’m not exactly sure how I should proceed. For starters I’m not very fond of admitting
to my crimes. Not that I’ve done
anything that would result in any prison time but for the fact that I just don’t
like feeling ashamed of myself. Once
you let it all out every one knows, even if you swear your best friend to
secrecy and even though you swore you wouldn’t tell him for the very reason
that you know it will some how come back to bite you in the ass. That’s how I feel now. Sure, I know he knew I was unhappy with
Lindsey but the problem now arises that I admitted to a plan to break-up with
her. He’s going to hold me to
that. It’s as I was driving home that
the dread hit me. I mean what if I
couldn’t go through with it. What if I
arrived at her doorstep and the words just wouldn’t come out of my mouth, or
she kissed me suddenly, or was upset about something and I just couldn’t say
it. I was really hoping that she would
be upset or in one of the foul moods she tends to find herself in on more than
one occasion. That would make it easier
to bare. I also promised her that I
would never break-up with her on an angry impulse. I wasn’t going to be one of those guys who
got in a fight and used the opportunity to break it off with their long time
girlfriend. That just seemed cold and
far to impulsive. I’d feel bad because I
know she would blame herself. She would
constantly beat herself up about it, and she’d beg for my forgiveness. I didn’t want that. Yes there was a laundry list of things that
bugged the hell out of me about her, but I wasn’t about to let her know
that. It had to kept a secret, I couldn’t
let her know that she was bat shit crazy.
While I’m full intent on going directly to her house I take
a moment and decide to get gas even though my meter puts me only a centimeter
away from full. I check my phone just in
case she’s called me or texted me, and I hadn’t heard about it. There’s
nothing, and then I find myself typing some words. I think
we should see other people. Don’t
worry I don’t send it, I do gather how that can be a majorly dick move and I’m
not really interested in being that guy either. I delete the message and slide my phone back
in my pocket. A sigh escapes my lips
and I truly wish it could really be that easy, but before I can reconsider that
stupid idea the gas nozzle stops in my hand to let me know that my car is
full. I return it, and head inside to
pay.
In here I delay even more time. I ponder between the taste I want in my
mouth other than the taste of betrayal.
There’s already a bottle of Coke in my hand, and I look through the mass
shelves of chocolate bars, and peanut butter cups. I decide on an almond joy, but as I head to
the counter, I change my mind and take a few steps backwards and turn and place
the candy bar back. I don’t deserve
chocolatey coconut goodness right now. I
pay for my gas and my drink and return back to my car. Again I take an extra moment before turning
the keys in the ignition. The car roars
and shakes, and I say a quick prayer hoping that the vehicle will explode on my before I leave the lot. Sadly, it does not.
I’m barely on the road a minute when my phone sounds. I’ve received a text and I’m almost sure it’s
from Lindsey. It’s not though, and my
best friend and confidant Dennis writes:
Dump the bitch yet? I put my phone in my pocket and I shake
my head at myself. This was a stupid
idea. He’s going to pester me now, and
when I don’t go through with it he’s going to pester me even more. That’s what I get for bitching to him all the
time. People do that though right? They talk about their boyfriends girlfriends
behind their backs. They complain about
little things, but it’s just to get if off their chests. People do that. I’m sure of it. Yes, I do want to break-up with her, but just
the idea that he’d hold me to it, and torture me about it is just ludicrous. He’s such an asshole sometimes, and I don’t
even know why I’m friends with him.
Then as I drive I start thinking about all the things I
liked about Lindsey. She’s a complete
nerd for one. She knows more about Star
Wars than I do. She plays video games
all the time, and loves to go out dancing.
She likes these great indie bands, but really she likes all sorts of
music. I think that’s one of the things
I liked about her, she could get me to like music even when I was dead set on
not liking it. She would describe the
lyrics to me, or the behind the exodus the singer/song-writers went through to
make it. How the musicians dreamt up
the bridge and rememberd it when they woke.
There were these laundry list of things she could describe about her
favorite bands that just blew my mind every time. In the end it also bugged me about her
though, but that’s on my end it wasn’t anything she really did, other than
being her nerdy self. There’s more than
that but I have a feeling I’ll be thinking on those once I do the deed of
destroying her life. Supposedly I’m her
first real boyfriend.
As her first real boyfriend I guess I’m going to be the one
to ruin men for her. I’ll break her
heart and she will never be able to forgive our sex for the rest of her
life. I wouldn’t mean for it to happen,
but in essence I would become the newly appointed anti-christ to the religion
of her mind. Her thoughts would form
sects and these sects would demonize me, and place my face on any body with a
penis. And when she did succumb to a new
lover, and he turned out to be an asshole too well then it would all still
point back to me. She will claim that she should have known, after
all Roger Alan did this to me already, I shouldn’t be surprised when what’s his
face stomps on my heart. Wait, that’s
not dramatic enough, when what’s his face cuts open my chest, grips my fleshy
life force in his hands and pulls it from my chest cavity and then proceeds to
stomp on it with steel toed boots until it’s a pile of indiscernible mush upon
the concrete earth. I’m fairly certain
that’s how Lindsey would describe it.
She can be a tad over dramatic, but only a little bit.
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