In
one of his stand up specials the late George Carlin cracked that suicide wasn’t
an easy way out it was hard. While he
found the humor in the situation of leaving notes, and what not as usual with
most of the things Carlin spoke about there was a level of seriousness to
it. Yesterday the world lost one of the
greatest entertainers to this tragic end.
What must have gone through his mind to make him determine it would be
better to feel nothing ever again is beyond me, but I know a decision like that
could not have been made easily. Robin
Williams was 63 years old, if suicide were any easy thing and if it were true
he dealt with his demons most of his life then he would not have made it as far
as he had. How many times do we have to
push through till we are too tired to push anymore? Can we absolutely judge someone for this
final act when we do not know all the circumstances? The answer is ultimately a no. In this life we assume that when someone can
make us laugh or who can entertain us every moment of their existence is a
happy person, someone who has no need to battle demons, no need to feel pain
for absolutely no reason. That’s what
depression is. Its not about feeling
awful over something, that’s grief, or regret, being a depressive is feeling
low all the time. Somehow finding a
light in your life, only to feel as though its simply covering up the shadows
of your existence. It sounds sad, and
maybe it is, but it’s a part of many people’s lives. I cannot judge Mr. Williams decision to leave
this life, but I can mourn it.
I’ve
been trying to think why this particular celebrities death bothered me so much
more than others. Or why the death of a
man I didn't actually know should bother me – as with the case with most celebrity deaths. Maybe in some way he
was a part of my life. As a child
growing up in the nineties I was treated to many films that Robin Williams did
that were pointed toward families and children.
Hook, was one of my favorite among these at the time. For the longest time. I think it ultimately sums up what he meant
in my life, he showed that even as an adult, even as someone who at the start
of the film could have resembled my own father still had a child's heart deep
down inside. After all the cynicism this
world has to offer Mr. Williams showed us, at least through his movies that
getting older could still be exciting and full of awe. We didn't have to age to be the grumpy old
cuss’ that were expected to be. We could
age and be zany and sporadic and maybe annoy the hell out of people, but we
could be that. Then there was Mrs.
Doubtfire and in its way featured a similar journey, the cynical father, the
loving and bewildering nanny, and ultimately discovering it’s the same
person. There’s Flubber, Toys, and so
many other works during that time that I can remember. It was as though he were our crazy uncle who
we got to visit on screen. Of course he
had his dramatic roles too, but while those are mesmerizing it’s the silly high
energy performances that struck me the most growing up and are the ones that I
find myself reflecting on. Then I cannot
leave out the Genie from Aladdin, who was quite possibly unlike any other
animated character we had seen in an animated feature. He was undeniably an icon.
It
is scary to anyone including myself who may suffer from any sort of
depression. We are scared, shocked, and
I think if Robin Williams can’t handle it, how can I. It is important to remember that we are all
of us individuals with our own journeys.
We all deal with our shortcomings, our fears, our histories
differently. Our yesterdays are not all
the same, as will our tomorrows be different.
My outlet has always been to write, so that most of my stuff is bitter
and sometimes quite dark but its as though I’m letting someone else experience
it. I’m sure Mr. Williams chose to make
us laugh because in some way he wanted us to feel better, and it would make him
feel better, but it can be exhausting shouldering the happiness of a crowd, of
an audience whether it be one other person or thousands. Some of us give so much of ourselves to lift
up and hold up others that we forget to let people lift us up, or we forget
that we need to lift such people up in return. I’m not saying these are the thoughts that
ran through Williams’ head but they
could have been. None of us truly know
what someone else is feeling, and the world is a cold unfeeling place, so that
most of us, most of the time feel numb.
My
inner child will miss you Robin Williams, and I will not let the part of me
go. I think even if it was a small
influence you have had an impact on millions of lives. Young and old. I believe that your work will hold the test
of time, that many of us can go back and feel like we are laughing for the
first time. Many of us can go back and
shake our heads at your off the wall bonkers style and we can smile for a
couple minutes, and stretch it out to a couple hours, and hold onto that feeling
for a couple days, to a couple months, to a couple years, and if we do that
enough maybe we can be okay. You are
not saving us, but you are giving us a few extra moments to reflect and save
ourselves. I’m being sentimental but
many people do not realize the impact all this movie going can have. That there are real people inhabiting those
characters on the screen, there are real emotional places they are drawing
from. That the catharsis they bring us,
just as reading a book, or listening to music, can give us breathing space in
our lives. Robin Williams wasn't the
only one who gave that to us, but he was one of the main ones, at least to me.
I celebrate your work. And I hope to share it one day with my own children, and while I’m sad that I will not see another film of yours I know that when I look at my film collection I know right where I can find you. Good-bye old friend, may you have found your calm.
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